Messy

Junebug sometimes felt angry when she was not heard or understood. She was a person who always wanted everything to be OK with people in her life. The thought of everyone not liking her could feel messy. By messy I do not mean the kind of messy when she rubbed ice cream all over her face to make people laugh, I mean the other kind of messy when you risk being real and losing people. The most terrifying kind of messy for Junebug.

At 45 it is still terrifying for me and I miss Jay, the one person who was always so good at cleaning up my mess (both literally and figuratively) because I know I can get messy when I am saying my truth or asking for what I need. My voice can shake or get louder or maybe I can't find my words so they come out all wrong and awkward. I need to be strong because I know that it is important to find my words even if that means I lose people who I wish would stay. I don't like change but sometimes change happens especially when your world has been turned upside down. 

It all gives Junebug the worst case of butterflies. I am trying to remind her over and over and over again of the wide open space in front of her full of people who are here even if she is messy. And when she is messy in this way that can feel terrifying, she is doing nothing wrong. I know more grace will come to her with practice and time.

It is hard because Junebug wants to be liked by everyone. Instead of letting it go and knowing that life and relationships are not always neat and tidy, she has days where she is stuck feeling insecure and angry that she can't clean up all of the mess. I know eventually she will see the bigger picture and learn to live with it all in confidence and peace. 

My sister told me this was supposed to be a Dorothy Hamill haircut? But looks like a bowl to me. I also have a silver front tooth (real one was knocked out when I fell off my bike). Lookin' good Junebug! The song is All My Days by Alexi Murdoch.