Fall

I knew summer could be hard without Jay so I started it off strong. I had my cape on and was throwing the football with my son, training my puppy and planning a trip to Colorado. I was soaring high.

It is so much easier to fly than to land. Landing makes me anxious.

What if they flight attendants are not ready for landing?

What if the landing gear is not working?

What if the tray table in front of me is still up?

What if my carry-on luggage is not stowed properly under the seat in front of me? 

What if my seat is not in an upright position?

What if my seat belt is not securely fastened?

I tried calling the flight attendant because I knew it was time to land, it was bumpy and I was hoping she could answer my questions.  I pressed the button and it lit up red. 

She reassured me it was all going to be OK. I was just grieving she said and there was no right or wrong way to do it. She said I was doing great.

I miss the view from soaring high. I miss my cape that gave me super powers to make it until the summer went on for too long and it was time to land.

I can't stop thinking about the white aspens in July in Colorado. The dramatic Rockies. The big sky. Seeing that we are going to make it. I can't stop seeing our new puppy when he arrived and surprising my daughter with him when she got home from camp.

What if I am hungry because I was looking out the window when they passed the peanuts?

What if the reason I am so tired is because I forgot to put the oxygen mask on me before I put it on the kids? 

I imagine I will fall when I land back into the routine of school. I have never anticipated the change of seasons in the way I do now. 

What if I miss the ground?

What if I forget how to take off again?

I will fall into memories. I will fall into longing. I will fall into a big pile of leaves that will bury me over my head so I can just stay for a minute longer and tears will fall without anyone seeing me.

One of Jay's favorite by the Wood Brothers, Blue & Green.