Next week will be Zoe's 14th birthday. One thing I miss so much about Jay is having someone to adore my kids with because like most parents, Jay and I loved adoring our kids. It did not always have to be spoken but could just be a look we gave one another when something they said or did melted our heart. It kind of reminds me of how me and the kids will dote over our new puppy, Benji, when he tilts his head or hops around like a bunny.

I can see now that having Zoe was when I began to find some adoration for myself. Growing up, I was very self-conscious about my looks. Especially my body. When I was in 7th grade, I went on an anti-depressant for anxiety/depression that made me gain weight and overnight I went from being a tiny 13 year old to being chubby. In my family full of small people, I felt like a giant.

HOLD ON JUNEBUG

I went on many diets trying to lose the weight but I had intense cravings and any effort I put forth to lose weight was impossible with my midnight visits to the fridge. It was a struggle I had for many years even after I went off the medicine and i could never imagine a day that the cravings would not be there.

HOLD ON JUNEBUG

I also never liked my hair (who does?!). I could have a photo album full of my haircuts that would be pretty entertaining. From the many perms, to the Rod Stewart hair (which happened after I immediately got my hair straightened after getting a perm I did not like), to the yellow sun-in days and the most traumatic, when my best friend in 9th grade, Stacy, cut my hair so unevenly that I had to shave it.

HOLD ON JUNEBUG

I did not have my ears pierced or any clue about how to wear make-up until college when my roommate, Nancy, took me under her wings. It was a slow process and not the best memory when my friends in my dorm were watching Nancy apply make-up for the first time and someone said, "I think you have on too much mascara. You kind of look like Henrietta the Hippo." I guess like many girls, I pretty much loathed the way I looked and so much about myself. The shelf full of self-help books did not feel like they were making a dent in these stubborn feelings.

HOLD ON JUNEBUG

I met Jay and he felt like a person I could hold onto. If you knew Jay, you know when he fell head over heals with anything, he fell hard. He was so determined to spend his life with me and his strong will was a good match for my wishy-washy nature. He was the first dent in my armor of self-consciousness. He adored my laugh and smile and cargo pants and helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin for the first time. Slowly the cravings went away and I figured out how I liked my hair and Jay loved it when I wore no make-up. It was turning around for me.

HOLD ON JUNEBUG

And then I had Zoe who, with her big lips and her birth mark on her chin, was breathtaking. I know every mom feels this way but to me, she really was such a gorgeous baby and it seemed the universe was sending me a message that if I could have such a beautiful baby, there must be beauty in me. Through my total love and adoration I felt for my baby girl, I began to hold onto some bits and pieces for myself.

YOU HELD ON, JUNEBUG

Junebug is strong because in the hard moments of her life, she kept working to find what we all have deep inside of us. You just got to hold on and wait as it says in the song below. Writing seems to be my way of STILL HOLDING ON.

Me and Baby Zoe. Song is Hold On by Alabama Shakes.