Junebug loved staying home from school with Mary Katherine. When Mary Katherine rang the doorbell in the morning before school, she ran to the door and Mary Katherine smiled with her gold front tooth and hugged her hard, and often whispered "I have something for you." She followed her into the laundry room and Mary Katherine would sneak her a piece of candy. Junebug hugged her again and most mornings she did not want to leave her side. It was easy to convince her mom that her asthma was bad and she needed to stay home.

After everyone left the house, it felt like there was room to breathe. Junebug watched The Price Is Right with Mary Katherine while she folded laundry at the kitchen table. Junebug knew when Mary Katherine looked down shaking her head that something was wrong. Her sadness was very small compared to the hardships Mary Katherine faced. She was the mother of thirteen children and married to a nice man named James who worked hard, but like so many African Americans, there was too much to overcome. To cheer Mary Katherine up, Junebug promised her that one day she would take her to California where she could be a contestant on The Price Is Right, and she meant it.

She was a proud woman who was embarrassed she did not know how to read. She loved to brag that she was not fat like other housekeepers; but you could tell her thick pantyhose she wore for circulation, her twitching eye and gold front tooth, put a dent in her vanity. Mary Katherine was a very beautiful woman who had her own style and with a better life, she would have been stunning.

Mary Katherine complained about her church friends who hurt her feelings. Although they certainly did not stop her from singing church hymns, which were the only words Junebug heard of God in her house. Junebug preferred going to Mary Katherine's warm church over her chilly synagogue and, her hot homemade rolls were the best.

After she was done folding laundry and cleaning, they would go to the TV room where Mary Katherine ironed and watched her favorite soap operas. There was something soothing about the rhythmic sound of steam coming from the iron. It’s as if the wrinkles magically disappeared along with the sadness they shared. It was about this time that the school day was almost over, and her siblings would come home soon. Junebug felt the pit in her stomach as she thought about school the next day, and soaked up the last hour resting her head on Mary Katherine's lap.

Off and on throughout her elementary school years, I had many days with Mary Katherine. In hindsight, I can see how this only contributed to my school phobia, which grew increasingly worse once I hit Middle School. Between six kids and working full time, my mom thought the quickest fix was not to find a therapist for me, but rather to take me to a psychiatrist who said that the next time I did not want to go to school, I would have to go to a hospital.

A few days later I packed my bags for a two-week stay at a psychiatric hospital, and it would forever change my life. In these days, the adults and children were in the same unit, and I was a 7th grader who recently turned 14. The few other teenagers in the unit were a few years older than me. I cried about going to school and had a sticker collection, they had problems that were far beyond my years.

While a hospital was not where I belonged, there was no place I wanted to be. My only diagnosis was separation anxiety. As I hugged Mary Katherine before I left, the floorboards shifted underneath because when I returned, even Mary Katherine looked at me different; or maybe it was me who saw her now in the same mistrusting light I saw other adults.

I remember when I would fly kites with my dad. He wet his finger and stuck it in the air to determine which direction the wind was blowing, and when the wind came, his kite would gracefully lift into the sky. He sang me nursuery rhymes like Little Miss Muffet. He did not tell me about winds that came from out of nowhere like the middle-of-the-night heart attack he had when I was six. He was gentle with me like the wind that lifted his kites.

Since losing him, it’s been hard to trust the ground underneath me. andWhen I found an anchor like Mary Katherine, I did not know how or when to let go. While I felt like holding on for dear life kept me from blowing away, it was an illusion. I see now that my tendency to stay for too long actually has hurt me many times in my life.

A year later, I can see I have come far and life feels overwhelming in a different way than it did a year ago. While I know where I belong much more than I did as a child, there is a way in which grief separates you for a period of time from the world. I think it is different for everyone but I know the consequence of running from it so I am trying to come to peace with feeling a little on the outside. I will wait out the choppy waters with the help of anchors who are there for me. If I keep treading the waters of my truth, eventually I hope to find I can float on my back on my own with the heavens in the sky above and the wonders of the ocean below.

Mary Katherine Davis in the photo who worked for my family and was part of our family until she died when I was in my mid 20's. Song is I Found You by Alabama Shakes.